A toolbox for life

Three takeaways from the year-long Stoic practice

The project of 52 Weeks to a Good Life at the Stoic Salon officially came to an end with our last meetup last Saturday, 4 February 2023, when each participant discussed how they intend to continue their life-long Stoic practice.

My preparation was to write out the title of every lesson on one record/index card: I now have a comprehensive toolbox of teachings in the format of a deck of cards. Every Sunday, along with the rest of my weekly planning, I intend to shuffle through the cards and choose the relevant teaching to revisit that week.

Out of this toolbox, I can instantly recall three interrelated teachings; I rehearse them addressing myself as ‘you’, Marcus Aurelius-style.

• Be aware of the dichotomy of control (the book begins and ends with this lesson for a good reason). In short, what lies outside your control includes: the past; the future; the actions and opinions of others; what happens around you; the outcome of your actions; what others think of you; how others take care of themselves - and more. What lies in your control includes: your boundaries; your thoughts and actions; what goals you set; how you treat yourself; what you devote time and energy to; how you deal with issues and challenges - and more. Even though you may not always be able to apply the dichotomy of control all the time, you are usually able to recall it. For someone who used to be stressed and hurt by events and other people’s behaviour almost every day, this is BIG. Not that you don’t get stressed and hurt any more - you do; but sometimes you manage to catch yourself and take a step back, so this is progress enough.

• Be aware that initial impressions need to be examined rationally before being allowed to become firm opinions (‘assents’). All throughout your life an initial impression was rapidly followed by an assent as immediate as a knee-jerk reaction. Now you often manage to open up a space for reflection between an initial impression and an assent; this is progress too.

• Examine your assumptions. You have now realised that a lot of the problems you’ve had in interpersonal relationships were down to unwarranted assumptions. For decades you harboured a lot of anger for your mother and others because they should have known better, they should have been more attuned to your feelings. Your anger was fed by your assumption that they should be able and willing to do both. Only recently have you begun to question whether this was a rational, sound assumption. The world does not provide evidence for it.

I have the feeling that I will return to these again and again.

The rest of the strands…

Still Learning with Eckhart Tolle

In last month’s newsletter I mentioned Flexible Films and their YouTube channel Learning in Factual Film Tales with the aim of promoting resilience, reflection, compassion and community. They have put together the documentary Still Learning - with Eckhart Tolle on the influence of Eckhart Tolle’s teachings in people’s lives. The individual short clips of every interviewee are now on the channel. Here’s mine: Still Learning - with Sofia.

The Walled Garden Podcast

After a coaching call with poet and philosopher Simon Drew last autumn, he invited me to guest speak at The Walled Garden Podcast. Our chat Stoicism and the great religious traditions is now live here.

Memoir and Life Writing Group

After more than two years of hosting the Memoir and Life Writing group at The London Writers Salon, I stepped down as leader and host of this group in the middle of January 2023.

Throughout more than two years (previously in the group’s earlier incarnation in Slack and for the past year in Circle), I have been humbled by each one of my fellow writers, and inspired by their resilience, their wisdom and their determination to share their stories with the world. I am grateful for their presence and for everything I have learned from them. 

I will of course continue to attend meetups and to encourage everyone on their writing journey! The group continues to meet up on the 1st and 3rd Thursday of each month, to get to know each other, talk about our work and share experiences and resources.

The next community meeting of the Memoir and Life Writing group is on Thursday 16 February, 5-6 pm GMT.

Writers’ Hour

Varosha, current artist in residence at The London Writers Salon has been capturing the vibe of community and diversity at the salon with The Daily Faces project. Do check it out - how many can you name off the top of your head?

If you would like join hundreds of other writers writing in community, join the free Writers’ Hour; one of the four daily sessions is bound to fit in with your daily schedule. We can’t wait to welcome you and to write together!

…and the end of the 52 weeks to a Good Life project

After meeting regularly on zoom throughout the year, our friendly, wise, supportive community at the Stoic Salon has now completed working through the book Live Like a Stoic: 52 Exercises towards a Good Life. Here follow my checkouts for the last three weeks of the year.

Week 50 - Decompose your difficulties (14 January 2023)

As we come to the end of the 52 Weeks, I have the feeling that the course content tends to reflect the convergence of the aspects of my life.

This lesson’s takeaways for me are:

•  Use journaling to decompose difficulties

• Be in the present moment, the only place one can be, even if the mind says otherwise

• Remember that others have faced what I face now (and much worse) and have coped with it, so I can too.

Here is how these three manifest in my life now:

I have been journaling for 22 years, but had never read back any of my journals until September 2020. The experience of reading them revealed a lot of unhelpful behavioural patterns and skewed thinking, and thus paved the way for growth. Since then, my journaling has become deeper and more effective. I feel that the journal pages are where I meet myself: I always look forward to these meetups.

I often try to be present (whenever I remember it), especially when I face pain. I loved the reminder at the bottom of p 284 “it isn’t helpful to think about how long it will last. Rather focus on enduring the pain as it presents itself to you now.” I come into the present recalling the wisdom of my Stoic friends: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional,” by Mandy and “Pain reminds me I am alive,” by Delphy.

My elderly aunt in Kent is in hospital, in a lot of pain and alone (one child is in the US and the other in Australia). When I visited her last Saturday, she was pale and listless, but she seemed to be coping and was pleased to see me. I reflected on her courage.

Week 51 - Pay attention to the right things (21 January 2023)

True to herself once again, Fate sent an appropriate lesson this week.

My elderly aunt’s serious illness constantly brings back memories of my relationship with my late mother. We never spoke openly about the issues closest to our troubled souls (never knew how to have a non-defensive, constructive, supportive conversation), so she died with her words left unsaid and I was left to carry the burden.

The relationship between my aunt and her daughter, with whom we were close friends in early youth, has been strained for over thirty-five years, when the latter left for the US. We have effectively not communicated at all ever since. I now considered reaching out to my cousin. In the past I would have kept quiet; this was my initial reaction and has been my default reaction throughout my life, for fear of being pushed back or hearing hurtful words.

But this time was different: instead of rushing through to the conclusion that silence is the best strategy, I allowed myself the space to reflect. I recalled the Dichotomy of Control: my heart told me that the right thing would be to reach out to my cousin for the sake of the blood relationship and the old friendship. I have had a hard time after Mama’s death nine years ago this week, and I wouldn’t want my cousin to go through a similar hard time. I asked her whether I did something to upset her so that I can put it right and shared my experience. At the same time, I also recalled the archer metaphor: I phrased the message with authenticity, did not allow the worry of what she would think of me influence the writing, and was unattached to the outcome: no matter how she responded, I felt that I had done what lay within my control and did what an elder cousin might be expected to do. As it happens, she responded with openness and receptivity, and we agreed to talk later.

Week 52 - Apply the Dichotomy of Control from dawn to night (28 January 2023)

All throughout the year, the Universe has been creating the situations I needed for the practice. Quite appropriately, this past week was of a piece with this.

My cousin was flying from NY into Heathrow last Wednesday, and I had offered to meet her there and ride down to the hospital with her. She landed an hour after her mother passed away and heard the news from her brother while we were driving down to Kent. I was able to just sit with her in silence in these difficult moments.

***

At the end of our 52 Weeks practice, I feel overwhelming gratitude; there is a lot to be grateful for (in random order, as they come to my mind – all equally important):

• To Fate/ the Universe/ God for granting me enough time and rational faculty to complete it;

• To Kathryn Koromilas, for creating this beautiful community at the Stoic Salon, for bringing us all together and for her wise stewardship of our group;

• To every single one of my fellow travellers on this journey, who shared their experiences and wisdom, and with whom we have shared online spaces and exchanged chats. I would never have stuck with it if they hadn’t been here.

The Stoic life-long journey continues…

Will you join us? More inspiring events are on the cards for this year, so make sure you sign up at the Stoic Salon. We always welcome new friends!

The heart meets the (left) hand in an embrace of imperfection